I'm gonna tell you guys how my day was... "BIZARRE" - that's the best word I have found.
I just woke up in the morning with a blank mind. I had no thoughts in my mind all day long... good ones or bad ones... I was thoughtless. Empty. I didn't feel bad tough. Actually I didn't feel anything. Today I had no feelings at all! Like... dead.
For the first time (in half year) it happened to me today. It's funny 'cause of THIS - I felt myself "single". Not lonely, not avaiable! Just "single".
I guess it's because my single life used to be like this before I have found my boyfriend (best friend, partner...) So, I used to wake up in the morning, have fun with kids (my job), do routine stuff, you know? go to the gym and done. I didn't used to call friends because I didn't used to have good ones - LOL.
So, nothing/nobody to think about. No "whys", no drama, no worries... That is NOT what I want it! I don't miss a zombie life, with no feelings, no LOVE...
I wasn't happy, I wasn't down tough. I was straight, head up, doing my job... operationally focused.
I have called my girlfriend and then - "thank God" - she haven't picked the phone. I wasn't feeling to talk to her for real. I would be really short. I didn't feel talking to A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y. I just said "Hi" to employee at gym and that was my all dialogue... all day long.
Couple of hours ago I talked to a friend (I finally did) but I was still feeling numb. And then I came home to write about it and I turned the radio on and Adele was singing "The One and Only"... God!... I melted in time, yes, I cried and - for awhile - I truly hated myself !
Well... "Nobody's perfect..." - Adele
Good night !
Nina.
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